Beth Anne Piehl
Special Sections Writer

JESSIE HEALY/NEWS-REVIEW

It’s time to leave for the day, and you’re already running late.

“Come on come on come on!” you hurry your child.

“I’m not going,” he responds.

It’s enough to make any parent want to throw in the towel. And throughout childhood, facing challenging behaviors is a rite of passage for mom, dad and child alike. Learning how to deal with them appropriately can save a lot of family frustration.

“I tell parents not to give a child enough control that they [the child] are telling you ‘no’ when you want ‘yes.’  Instead, give your child something they can control,” said Kelli Fenlon-Hill, a school social worker with the Charlevoix-Emmet Intermediate School District. “For example, if you are getting ready for school in the morning and your child is telling you they are not going, tell them that going to school isn’t a choice, but they can choose if they are going to wear these blue pants or these red pants, or if they are going to have a waffle or bowl of cereal.”

The benefit to this strategy: “Set yourself up to win by offering your child choices that you can live with. Don’t give them a choice when they really don’t have one.”

Tantrum Tactics

Tantrums can be the ultimate test of patience. One parent recently called Fenlon-Hill because she was very concerned about the tantrums her son was having.

“She said that these tantrums occurred whenever she told her son ‘no’ to something. She felt bad that she was always putting him in time-out for these tantrums,” Fenlon-Hill recalled.

When parents are faced with breaking a child of a behavior they don’t like, she said it does tend to get worse before it gets better.
“The child is counting on the parents to become weak and give in, but that is the worst thing a parent can do,” Fenlon-Hill said. “You may have to put up with a lot of tantrums, but if you remain consistent in not rewarding the tantrum by giving in, the behavior will begin to dissipate.”

Challenging behaviors are a common product of childhood.

“Although I help parents and educators with challenging behaviors every day, I often find myself being challenged by my own children’s behaviors, and can get caught up in some parenting pitfalls,” said Fenlon-Hill, mom of two boys ages 3 and 6.

“I try to always remember the ‘3 Cs’ of parenting: Consistency, choices and consequences,” she said.

 Consistency is Key

Oftentimes, children will try and test parents’ limits and see what they are able to control in the world. It is often easier for parents to give in rather than standing firm, but parents need to be consistent, Fenlon-Hill said.

“Parents need to know that all children need to feel secure. Security comes with knowing what they can predict in their world,” she said. “If children don’t know how their parents are going to react to a situation, they will continue testing their boundaries.”

Children might choose a public location for acting out, but parents need to stand firm. “This may mean that you need to walk out of a store and leave your cart of groceries,” Fenlon-Hill said.

When it comes to consequences, it is important for parents and educators to decide on a logical outcome for a child’s challenging behaviors.

“When I get called to observe a child in a classroom who is exhibiting challenging behaviors, I sometimes will find that staff members struggle to find an appropriate consequence,” Fenlon-Hill said.

Sometimes it’s difficult to match up the consequence with the behavior. For instance, a child who was restless at story time was sent to sit in a chair and kept in from outside play time; however, this was a child “who really needed to physically release some of his energy and would have done better with maybe a different task to do at story time,” she offered.

Support for Caregivers

“Parenting is hard work,” said Fenlon-Hill, “and it is important for parents to realize that there isn’t a magic answer or someone out there with a miracle cure.”

For parents concerned about issues related to any of their child’s behaviors or physiological needs, consulting their pediatrician is the best route. If a child care provider is having difficulty with a child, she suggests contacting the regional 4C Council for information or further training, at (800) 968-4228.

Parenting courses and information are also offered through the Women’s Resource Center and the Michigan State University Extension office. Also, the Early Childhood Positive Behavior Support Collaborative has been formed as a work group of the Human Service’s Coordinating Body to look at developing a system of positive behavior support for service providers of young children in Charlevoix and Emmet counties.