Beth Anne Piehl
Special Sections Writer

Divorce often results in children feeling overwhelmed by the losses and changes they are experiencing. It takes time to adjust and the time needed varies from child to child.

Parents can help their children cope with divorce in various ways.

— Children need predictability. Those who can maintain regular routines are less likely to be overwhelmed by the changes brought by divorce.

— Children also need regular and frequent contact with both parents. And parents should set a good example by being on time for the exchange of the children.

— Children need personal space to call their own.

— Parents need to be cautious when introducing new boyfriends or girlfriends to children. They often feel confused about their sense of loyalty.

— A parent needs to stress the good points about the other parent and avoid name-calling, saying bad things or blaming the other parent for problems.

— Keep family photos on display, including those with the other parent.

— Allow children to openly express their love for the other parent and talk about their time with them.

— Parents should encourage the child to talk with the other parent about any complaints while in their care.

— Assist children in buying cards and gifts for the other parent.

— If a parent is unable to regularly see a child after divorce, it is important to frequently telephone, write, make tapes and send cards.

— Do not ask children what goes on in the other parent’s home, as it violates the child’s trust.

— If parents cannot manage their feelings, they should end any heated conversation with the other parent until they can do so. Never argue in front of the children.

The impact on children

Children look at the world differently than adults. Much of what they understand about divorce depends on their age. A toddler will not understand as much as a 5-year-old, and a school-age boy will not handle his emotions the same as his teen sister.

Studies show that children experience the greatest impact from divorce within two or three years of its occurrence. However, research shows that children are greatly affected by divorce throughout their youth.

Infants do not understand anything about separation or divorce but will notice changes in their parents’ responses to them. They may experience changes in eating, sleeping and bowel patterns. Keeping a routine and remaining calm can mitigate the anxious feelings.

Children of all ages will display a wide range of emotions and will express pain and anger differently at different ages.

They may turn their anger and pain inward and withdraw, or outward through misbehavior.

They may also feel responsible and fear abandonment, and even show signs of physical illness. They may try to improve their own behavior in an effort to “save” the marriage.

Source: Adapted from Parenting Awareness Month organizers’ packet, with permission from CARE — Community Assessment Referral and Education, Fraser, Mich.; Iowa University Extension, Ames, Iowa.