More grandparents raising their grandchildren

Beth Anne Piehl
Special Sections Writer

JEREMY KUHN/NEWS-REVIEW

Kim Gray’s son and his girlfriend were just teens when their first son was born. And their second.

The rigors of parenting by two people still young themselves predictably took its toll. The arguments, accusations and financial constraints created an unhealthy environment for the two boys.

Kim and her husband, Bud Gray Jr., of Petoskey, stepped in. As the boys’ grandparents, they found their way through the court system and encouraged both parents to sign away their parenting rights to the children, clearing the way for their adoption by the Grays in March 2006.

Nicholas is now 5 and Noah is 4 and they are thriving in a stable environment  with Grandma and Papa Gray.

“We told them we were going to go in front of a judge and he was going to grant us a family,” said Kim, 49. “Nicholas said, does that mean my last name is Gray? And he put his hands up in the air and went ‘Woo hoo!’ It was pretty exciting.”

Parents again

The Grays are not alone in becoming “parents” again in their later years, years that for many older Americans are typically spent thinking about which warm state sounds best.

More than 2 million grandparents in the U.S. alone are the sole caregivers for their grandchildren.

Often, the circumstances are difficult; the children’s parents are sent to prison, killed in an accident or are deemed unfit by the court to properly raise their children. It falls to many grandparents to take over, while, like Kim Gray, trying to not be angry at her own son for their choices.

“They fought about money, about not having freedom, about having two babies,” Kim said. “They were too young to have children…

“I’m very upset (with him). I feel like a failed parent, but a friend told me that you give them the tools to be a good parent and it’s not your fault if they don’t use those tools … Teen-agers need to be more educated. It’s not a party to have a child. It’s not OK. They think it’s cute and cool, and then reality sets in.”

The Grays first looked into grandparents’ rights under Michigan law and were disappointed to learn they were only entitled to see the children one weekend a month, at the discretion of the parents.

After several more go-arounds, Kim was in tears. “I walked to the court bawling, saying there has got to be something I can do to save these children,” Kim recalled. “The lady at the desk said, ‘Sign this, write your statement, and we’ll get you an emergency hearing for temporary guardianship.’”

The hearing took place that afternoon, in 2005, and started the momentum toward official adoption in 2006. The young couple divorced at the end of 2005, Gray added, and neither has much if any contact with the children, aside from occasional visits by their father but none from the mother.

Now, the Grays’ daily routine is like any other with young children in the house, getting up early and getting the kids ready for school and preschool. The Grays, married since 1999, run their own business, Gray’s Patrol Service, and try to find time for themselves amid the chaos.

“We think it’s easier, the second time around,” said Kim. She and Bud, 59, both have several children from their previous  marriages. “It’s harder at our age physically, but we think it’s easier because of our finances and we are more patient at this age.”
And while it’s challenging, it’s rewarding, too, she added.

“I never dreamed in a million years at my age that I’d have to deal with pull-ups and bottles,” she said. “But I wouldn’t have it any other way.”

What grandparents need to know

Parenting can be difficult the  second time around, because many things have changed since grandparents first raised their own babies, reports a study by Michigan State University.

For instance, caregivers today are told to place babies in cribs on their backs to prevent SIDS, vs. on the tummy which was the standard many years ago.

Also, children of all ages need to be buckled up when in the car.

Infants are also more aware of the world around them than once thought, and responding to babies’ cries won’t spoil them. Physical punishment is no longer considered acceptable.

Grandparents also need to be aware that the children may be confused and not understand where the parent is and why they are no longer providing care. A child may be angry about a troubled family situation and direct it to the grandparents. Children who are grieving may revert to earlier behaviors like bed-wetting and thumb-sucking. It’s important to talk about these feelings with the child and answer their questions calmly.

Kim said grandparents also need to make time for themselves. “You need to find a babysitter,” she said.

Making time for family activities is also extremely important, she said, especially for those children who did not have stability early-on like Nicholas and Noah.

“Don’t give up,” Kim added. “You’re doing the right thing.”